Back to work

Getting back to work after Mom passing away is a weird and strange. I’m still busy reconciling everything in my head and heart.

Funerals absorb so much of your time that you don’t get a chance to think about things until after they pass.

I’ll share some pictures later, but one thing that became apparent from the slideshow that Richelle put together was that she was, most likely, happier now than she had ever been in her entire life.

Ya know, there are two stereotypes of old people who have had extreme levels of tragedy and struggle to deal with in their lives.

One, the wizened old soul who rose above such tribulations and became a font of information and history.

The other, the poisoned heart, who can no longer see the good in much anything, and rails against the unjust nature of our world – especially to him or herself.

Mom grew into someone resembling neither of these.

Instead, as she aged, she became more childlike with each passing day. When I say this I don’t mean unknowledgable – no I mean more aware of wonder. Of laughter. Of surprise. Of the importance of deep hugs and never staying angry and unreconciled. And of never saying goodbye, but of saying see you later and I love you.

It doesn’t seem fair that it took so long to get to this place, and then to have her snatched away.

But at least she did get to this place. That I was there to witness it. And I will be there to share it with my daughter (I hope).

Mom passed on Saturday at 3 in the afternoon

Mom was in the hospital with what was thought to be congenital heart failure. By Wednesday she was looking good, but the swelling in her right arm had not gone down. She and I talked about this latest trip to the hospital, just a few days after the last, but that everything should be alright. Her spirits were good.

On Friday I spoke to a doctor who told me it was a blood clot in her right arm that was the trouble. Blood thinners should help, but they wanted to be conservative since her platelets were low as a consequence of her chemo.

I called to check on Mom Saturday around 1 PM and heard that she was in ICU.

This was a shock. While she has issues she was dealing with, her Doctor sounded confident with me on Friday.

I ran to ICU and got there around 2PM.

It turns out, around 6AM Mom was having difficulty breathing, they did a CAT scan and found another blood clot, this one in her right lung. They asked her if it was okay to temporarily be intubated. Mom has been in this situation before, and so she said yes.

By the time I arrived, Mom was looking like she had on other ICU trips, drugged, but stable. I held her hand as the doctor on staff told me what they would like to proceed with. Mom became agitated, possibly hearing me and the doctor discuss these things, possibly just because she was snapping out of her medication. They gave her morphine (which they had done countless times before on other trips to ICU) and she calmed down. The doctor and I talked for around 2 more minutes before her stats went haywire and alarms started ringing. I remember one doctor asking this doctor if she needed help and she said yes, get everyone. Someone pulled me away and asked me to go to the waiting room.

I was there for 10-15 minutes when they called me. They told me there was no heart beat, that they were keeping her alive at that point with CPR. They asked if I wanted to be in the room with her.

Within seconds of my arriving one doctor said he felt a faint pulse and I grabbed mom’s feet and demanded to her that she stay. The staff worked for 15 or so more minutes, with me present, but she was gone.

A nurse told me it was like she had waited for me to arrive, and then decided to let go.

I’m coming out of the daze of the day and am waking up with a million questions and what-ifs. I don’t know how many of them are coming from my head, and how many from my heart.

Thank you everyone for your support, your thoughts and prayers.

Top 5 Rock Songs of All Time?

Inspired by Bill’s list, here are some of my favorites, in no particular order, because I can no longer put together a short list, and most possibly influenced by my last few posts…

I Believe In Miracles – The Ramones – Brain Drainvideo

Jumpin’ Jack Flash – The Rolling Stones – Get Yer Ya-Ya’s Out!video

Love Song – Tesla – The Great Radio Controversyvideo (a video of a Philadelphia concert Richelle and me missed over ten years ago).

The Show Must Go On – Queen – Innuendovideo

Wasted Years – Iron Maiden – Stranger in a Strange Landvideo

Gimmie Shelter – The Rolling Stones – Let it Bleedvideo

I Wanna Be Sedated – The Ramones – Road to Ruinvideo

Sanitarium – Metallica – Master of Puppetsfan video (the band didn’t make videos back then)

Heaven and Hell – Black Sabbath – Heaven and Hellvideo, Tenacious D!

Everybody Knows – Leonard Cohen – I’m Your Manvideo

House of Pain – Faster Pussycat – Wake Me When It’s Overvideo

Gone Away – Faster Pussycat – Ixnay on the Hombrevideo

When the Angels Sing – social distortion – White light, white heat, white trashvideo

Ride On – AC/DC – Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheapfan video

Black Diamond – KISS – Kissvideo

Take It Easy – The Eagles – Eaglesvideo

In Your Eyes – Jeffrey Gaines – Cover of Peter Gabriel – video

Steve Olson: “love is the shell’s kryptonite”

Steve Olson, who recently stopped by to post a comment wrote about “the top causes that make my palms sweat, my heart bleed, and sends tears rolling down my cheeks” for the Caring, Compassion, Charity project.

It’s subject matter I can relate to on many levels – “Why You Should Never Give Up on a Troubled Youth”:

…When I was young, many people who claimed to be helping me, lied to me, abused me, marginalized me, and wrote me off as another statistic. I don’t claim to be special or unique in any way, I am one of millions.

I did not expect to live past 18. I lived through events that should have killed me. The fact that I am here writing this – alive and free – is a miracle. Some of my friends didn’t make it. And some that did are the walking wounded. Ghosts of what could have been.

I owe my life to a couple of inexplicable events and to those few people – and there were very few of them – who accepted me as I was.

As my mind’s eye gazes into the reflection of my past, I clearly see that every moment of every day is a priceless gift.

But the most valuable thing I’ve learned along the way is that there is only one cure for what is wrong with people and the cure is unconditional love and acceptance. It starts with unconditionally loving and accepting yourself as you are right now.

Sound hokey? Cliche? Is unconditional love and acceptance a tall order? Yes, but it’s worth the effort.

Read the whole post.

He finishes with asking me to do the same here. That’s a scary request. It’s one I got to think about. I’m not sure I have guts to let it all hang out out here. There are reasons why I start my online personal history in my late teens.

But for now, let me just say again how much I can relate to his post. I had thought at one time I was going to die by the time I was 18. Then I had thought it would be 25. Then 30. Like so many I was written off by some and let down by others who thought I never could amount to much.

I’m blessed to have found folks along the way who believed in me.

It’s Cancer

On Friday the results of Mom’s second biopsy came back and confirmed the worst – that Mom had lung cancer – specifically, small cell lung cancer – a particularly nasty form of cancer that spreads unpredictably and fast.

They immediately scheduled a deep body scan to see how far it has spread while Mom agreed to undergo Chemotherapy which started on Saturday, just in case there was a chance to get ahead of this thing.

I should be hearing from her oncologist today about the results of the deep body scan. Mom told me the results were good on Sunday, that the cancer has not spread past her left lung. But what that actually means I don’t know until I speak with him.

Mom is in this place mentally that is hard to comprehend – she’s both clear headed and serene. In her own words she’s “ready to fight, because I have to – but if God is ready to take me – I’m am ready to go”. And I believe her.

Maybe she just isn’t facing the reality of this so far.

Maybe she’s just ready to die.

Or maybe her belief in what-will-be-will-be is stronger than I had ever imagined.

I hope I’ve picked some of that up from her. My core belief that you have no control of the hand you are dealt – and that it’s best not to to get caught up in the contents of that hand – how fair the cards are – or how often you’ve been given a set of cards that have low odds of success – because you do have control over how you play your hand. It’s how you play your hand, no matter how good or bad, that counts.

At least that’s what I tell myself when times are good.

Right now I don’t feel that way at all.

And I’m afraid that she might be playing ‘strong’ for me and Dante’s benefit.

Yesterday I told her that if she is, she should stop. That we can handle this together. She swore she wasn’t. I tried to discern the truth, but her eyes have such a child like innocence about them (an innocence that makes NO SENSE in the face of what she’s seen in her life) that I couldn’t.

Following the deep body scan results and talk with the oncologist will come difficult discussions.

My Mom *Might* Have Cancer

My Mom has had a few bouts of ICU worthy pneumonia over the past year. Last week she felt some chest pain, thinking it was a possible heart attack she went to the emergency room.

Turns out they found two large masses in her left lung and her lymph nodes are swollen. The doctors gave me an 85% chance that it’s cancer and in an advanced state. Her first bronchial biopsy was inconclusive so they are proceeding with a second today and then another test if necessary. So far her symptoms are no different than those she’s been experiencing with her COPD for the last few years.

She’s in amazing spirits. She’s 74 and has seen much hardship in her life. Recently she told me that these past few years have been her best. I’m proud of her.

I’m not doing so well. But that’s to be expected I guess. There’s still a chance that this is nothing more than a bad infection. A false positive. But the doctors seem to think that’s not likely.

I’m always trying to look for the bright side of things, that sliver of light down the tunnel, and there are a few – Emma has grown into an awesome toddler, she’s almost two! My herniated disk hasn’t troubled me as much since my last injection (over a week now of decreased pain). beta.comcast.net is rolling along, the feedback has been great. And Richelle has been supportive dealing with it all.

I know this is just part of the cycle of life. I can rationalize it a million ways. I know on an intellectual level I’m not alone. Especially with two brothers. But still, it’s hard not to be sad that a small dream of mine, that Emma get to really know Mom, is looking less and less likely. And when Mom goes, so goes the last of our ancestors. A door closes on our roots and our own origins. I hope I’ve been a good son.

Why I’ve kinda disappeared as of late – the new comcast.net

Take a gander at the new Comcast.net (we’re still in beta) home page 🙂

As some of you know, I’m part of the development group that builds the systems that drive and support comcast.net.

I’m excited about this latest release – it’s been my pleasure to be part of an awesomely talented team and on this project, I’ve been a primary contributor to the architecture as well as code. In a way, it’s a return to my previous role at Knight Ridder Digital.

I think we’ve built a platform that will enable our product teams to rapidly get new, working features and functionality to customers, where previously, doing so was a chore. This system really sets our UI team free – no longer requiring server side developers to create new functionality or even present new content.

Hopefully I’ll get the chance to to post about the technologies and techniques we’ve employed in its development, like Arpit has about The Fan.

I think it’s safe for me to mention the Web tier using Spring MVC and FreeMarker, with a back-end that resembles something akin to CouchDb, and feeding it all is a very modular, extensible CMS. Each tier is usable in different projects, together or independently. It always comes down to implementation details and I hope to share a few sometime, either here, or on a team blog someday.

You can visit our community blog to track changes to the site and get a short summary here.

tony pierce: “IS EVERYONE OUT OF THEIR MINDS?”

Poetry. Read the whole thing.

“the rex grossman miss teenage south carolina george bushing of america”:

….we allow the lamest people to be the man.

repeatedly.

all of us.

and matt good sings
youre gonna get what you deserve
and not a penny less

bible says its easier for a camel to get thru the eye of a needle
than for a rich man to get into the kingdom of heaven.

because we are attached to the wrong things.

and we’re such liars. saying we’re a christian nation
we dont read the bible and we ignore everything in it when its read to us.
then bitch when someone tells us that we’re not going to heaven.

youre not going to heaven because you hate everything pure on earth
youre not going to heaven because you reject good right here
youre not going to heaven because you dont value love

and heaven is love incarnate. so fuck your whines and fuck your earthly goals.

money is not the way. pretty boy quarterbacks arent the way
dumb blonde beauty queens are not the way.

george bush ryan seacrest maroon five dave matthews

those are your gods

you are the doomed generation

dying to repeat the failures of your parents.

From The Donnas to Rick Rubin

I wish more in the newspaper industry would pay attention to their canary in the coal mine – the music industry.

Rolling Stone: “The Record Industry’s Decline”:

…Overall CD sales have plummeted sixteen percent for the year so far — and that’s after seven years of near-constant erosion. In the face of widespread piracy, consumers’ growing preference for low-profit-margin digital singles over albums, and other woes, the record business has plunged into a historic decline.

The major labels are struggling to reinvent their business models, even as some wonder whether it’s too late. “The record business is over,” says music attorney Peter Paterno, who represents Metallica and Dr. Dre. “The labels have wonderful assets — they just can’t make any money off them.” One senior music-industry source who requested anonymity went further: “Here we have a business that’s dying. There won’t be any major labels pretty soon.”

…More record executives now seem to understand that their problems are structural: The Internet appears to be the most consequential technological shift for the business of selling music since the 1920s, when phonograph records replaced sheet music as the industry’s profit center. “We have to collectively understand that times have changed,” says Lyor Cohen, CEO of Warner Music Group USA. In June, Warner announced a deal with the Web site Lala.com that will allow consumers to stream much of its catalog for free, in hopes that they will then pay for downloads. It’s the latest of recent major-label moves that would have been unthinkable a few years back…

Newsome.Org: “The Lost Rituals of Music”:

I suspect Fred misses the good old days when listening to music was the thing, itself. As opposed to something you do while you’re doing something else. These days everything is compressed. Time. Music. Fun. Back in the day, we’d put Frampton Comes Alive on the turntable, sit back and just enjoy the sound. Same with the Allman’s At Fillmore East, and the best one of all- Europe ’72. We’d read the album covers and the liner notes. We never felt hurried, like we should be doing something else.

Our record collections were tangible. We could browse through them like books. The joy of picking out a record, taking it out of the sleeve and putting it on the turntable was a ritual to our passion.

And a huge kick in the head is the news that Rick Rubin is now a co-President at Columbia Records.

NYTimes: “The Music Man”:

“That’s the magic of the business,” he said. “It’s all doom and gloom, but then you go to a Gossip show or hear Neil in the studio and you remember that too many people make and love music for it to ever die. It will never be over. The music will outlast us all.”

Rick Rubin has been a force in music that has influenced me for the last twenty years. He’s now producing Metallica’s latest and hopefully will return them to greatness. Can any one ‘save’ the music industry? No. But it can be re-invented. And Rubin can play a major role.

As Dave Rogers puts it for Paul Potts, that opera singer that Rubin was gushing about, “the love of the art preceded the opportunity to exploit it, commercially” – that’s something Rubin has always understood. His pursuit of Hip-Hop, Metal, or Roots Rock (the Black Crowes) acts before they were mainstream always made him stand out. His search for the pure soul of an artist, whether it be Neil Diamond or Johnny Cash, exemplifies it.

Rick Rubin being Co-President of Columbia does mark me as old however. He and the music he’s promoted, are no longer on the fringes of the mainstream, and now he’s part of the machine.

Lets hope it gets interesting.

Now on to other matters…

tonypierce.com: “do you know why i know life isnt fair”:

cuz even the donnas had to form their own label. dropped by atlantic after “fall behind me” only made a few suits rich, the donnas are doing their own thing now, shunning their donna c, donna s., schtict and now using their real names, the donnas rocked the world famous viper room last night for their album release party of Bitchin’, which drops today.

Bottom line: The Donnas rock.

Play Like A Girl: “Clean sweeping arpeggios for guitar”:

Oh dear. Two weeks is nowhere near enough time to master a challenging new technique. Our fast-paced culture of instant gratification leads many people to expect to totally kick ass at new skills within an extremely short time. If they can’t manage, they think they either don’t have the “talent” for it or that they must be doing something horribly wrong.

Some skills just take time to develop. And beware: there are plenty of guitarists out there who will lie about grossly underestimate the amount of time and effort they need to master a given technique, just so they will appear more “talented.” This is total bovine excrement. So cut yourself some slack, realize that any skill takes time to develop, and don’t compare your own progress with other people’s.

From my favorite musician’s blog.