Category Archives: Friends, Family, Life

Forgiveness and a P-Coat

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Great story in the Inquirer of how Kevin Johnson handled meeting one of the attackers who harmed him and put him in a wheelchair. They’re friends now.

You can call me a Catholic, call me a hippie, call me an Idealist ENFP but I know the healing your receive when you forgive someone.

I’m not talking about simply telling someone you forgive them – because that’s just bullshit – I’m talking about those inward absolutions of the heart that let the hate that drags you down go. Letting go of hate is always a good thing.

The world would be a better place if more people tried.

This Christmas Richelle’s dad gave me one of his two remaining P Coat‘s from his time in the Navy during the Vietnam War. They have his serial number and name written on a label stitched inside. The one he gave me had spittle on it’s shoulder from Richelle and Rose from when they were babies.

To most people, this would be a very meaningful, sentimental thing. But to me – let me tell you – it meant everything.

Richelle’s dad and mom didn’t like me so much when they met me. Didn’t like me at all really. I was a kid from the wrong side of Kensington, and they thought I was bad for their daughter – that I was not worthy of her. Richelle’s brother and sister, on the other hand, accepted me almost immediately (well not her brother… that took time), they would become my brother and sister. I love them so very much.

Mom and dad’s rejection had hurt deeply. I was already distrusting and definitely became more so as a reaction. It was a very dark time. They had good reasons – I had lied about living with my parents, I had lied about living in a squat, and wasn’t in High School when I should have been – I just couldn’t see it then.

Over the years, much has happened, and along the way I struggled. They witnessed that struggle – and learned about the man that I want to be – that I still not am. I would earn their respect and trust. Likewise, I was eventually able to see things from their perspective and know why they felt and reacted as they did. They loved their daughter. Sometimes things can be so clear when we put ourselves in other’s shoes.

One day I would ask Richelle’s dad for his daughter’s hand in marriage. The family and I planned my surprise proposal to Richelle – it took place in front of everyone, at a favorite restraunt of their’s, on her Grandfather’s birthday.

Dad is recovering from an operation to deal with his sleep apnea. He’s been on my mind.

If you’re reading this Dad and Mom – I love you, Karl

Indeed, indeed

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Dj: Consistency:

    Consistency requires you to be as ignorant today as you were a year ago

For many years, I’ve been a consistency freak in both in matters or religion and software development. I think the past few years have changed my attitude when it comes to religion. I think the past few hours have changed my attitude when it comes to software development.

I’m beginning to think that being as good as you can be is more important than being as consistent as you can be. So why does this change bother me so much? Probably pride, which is ultimately the only sin.

Some hubris can be a good thing, but pride always gets in the way. Poison’s relationships, band lineups (heh), your capacity to learn, the threat of being called inconsistent is a danger for anyone in public serivce (damn flip-flopper!), not to mention it seems the start of most wars (my dick is bigger – or must be bigger – then your dick). Hate the sin and not the sinner. Pride is a bug.

Persistence and “grit”: It’s always about the fight

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From my quote file: Calvin Coolidge (1872-1933):

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination are omnipotent. The slogan press on has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.

Turns out there is some truth to this. Via Garret, comes a Philadelphia Inquirer story about a Penn researcher who says it isn’t I.Q., grades or talent that lead to success – “It’s good, old-fashioned stick-to-itiveness.”:

“It’s not like you could be stupid, but if you didn’t have the necessary drive and determination to overcome obstacles and set high standards for yourself, then you weren’t going to make it,” he says.

But Simonton thinks Duckworth’s grit studies are interesting on two fronts. She’s looking at contemporary achievers, rather than dead geniuses, and she’s developed a grit scale, which attempts to measure the determination they show.

Robert J. Sternberg, a Yale University psychology professor who directs the school’s Center for the Psychology of Abilities, Competencies and Expertise, believes that schools don’t emphasize nonintellectual qualities – like grit – enough. “There’s a really serious disconnect between the way we prepare kids for leadership positions in society, for life as an adult, and what you actually have to do to get there,” he says.

Not that parents always do the job either. Some try to protect their kids from failure or frustration. “In the course of your life, you encounter a lot of blows, some of them quite awful,” Sternberg says, “and if you don’t learn how to overcome those obstacles, you’re at a disadvantage.”

My personal story is a real world example. It’s one of the reasons why I believe no matter how lost some may think some are – there is always hope.

Don’t let anyone’s put downs or discouragement, your background or history, keep you from fighting for your dreams. It’s always about the fight.

I’m definitely ramping up to join the local folks who’ve shared their views on faith and politics. Not being an eloquent writer makes it difficult – it’s complicated to think about – let alone write about – but the conversation, I think, is important.

How do you handle this?

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Lets say you have a friend, one you have a rough history with to be sure, but was once a friend nevertheless, and everytime you reach your hand out, it gets bitten off? That to continue to reach out is to be subjected to put-downs and insults. That your every move is judged as a negative one and an attack – that this very post will be regarded as one – when all you are doing is reaching out?

Well what do you do? I know what my other friends have suggested – and I’ve tried to do otherwise. I’ve tried to build a bridge. Cause that’s what I believe in doing. I’m a bridge builder.

But when the dude keeps blowing it up… well damn. It’s just depressing. Have I just allowed myself to be used? Again and again?

Makes my heart sink.

What’s a friend?

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A little meditative thought, going over old lyrics of mine. Powerful stuff to face old writing. All sorts of things become clear upon reflection.

One thing, for example, that got me was how black and white the world once seemed. Was it that way for you long ago? Here’s a question to frame it for you: What is a friend?

I’ve been blessed with many in my life. One who is my wife. One who is my brother. One who may not be my brother by blood – but is my brother nevertheless. One a mentor. One practically a father. One my zen master. Three who called themselves my mom. Those I’ve worked with thru some hard times, and those who work to try and build something special with me, with little resources, and little personal gain.

And then there is the instance of the one I turned on for a break of trust. It still can shock me the depth of anger I felt at the perceived betrayal. Since then I’ve actually let a few people walk all over me, my response to that situation bothered me so. Richelle says I’m now too trusting. It’s a compliment… I think 🙂

Well according to dictionary.com a friend is:

  1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
  2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
  3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
  4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement.
  5. Friend A member of the Society of Friends; a Quaker.

If I recall correctly, as a kid your definition of a friend is very black and white: Someone you play with.

And as a teenager it gets a bit more complex – A soul you can trust. A heart that accepts you. A person you care for. A fist that will fight for you. Two feet that will stand beside you when things get hairy.

But as an adult we muddy our definition of the word friend. It becomes elastic to include acquaintances. People who we simply share interests but may not care for in the least.

Maybe this is a good thing. We grow tolerant. Our hearts less exclusive. Maybe its the acknowledgment that life is a whole lot easier if we lay down our walls and be cool with one another.

Maybe its an acknowledgment that we had it right when we were children – simply now a friend is someone you share a drink with and maybe a joke.

I’d like to believe that, but…

A part of me holds that teenager’s definition a little too dear – for example, it pisses me off how some throw around the word friend and then walk away the first time someone needs help.

That same part wants to revolt at how we market our 1,251 friends on My Space or look at our link ranks on Technorati… speaking of which… if you link to me.. are you my friend? If you don’t… what does that say?

Well, then again, sometimes a link is just a link. A comment is just a comment. And it’s expressions of reaching out that counts. One way, or another.

Back to my guitar and those old lyrics.

Rough Week

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And an exciting one. There is a possibility of a huge – and terrific – life changing event, in the near future. I’ll share if it happens. Maybe still if it doesn’t.

In the meantime, I’ve missed some work due to a nasty cold (with sniffles and cough), that led me to miss this month’s monthly blogger meetup, and to fall behind on sharing a bunch of conversations I’ve been involved in recently.

Some can be found in my latest post on media 2.0/publishing 2.0/whatwascalllednewmediabutnowisn’t at Philly Future, including links to interesting reading on copyright, RSS, the A-list, and more.

Also of note is part 1 of a report on where things stand at Philly Future.

“Happy 300th, Ben!”

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Philadelphia Inquirer: Happy 300th, Ben!:

If Benjamin Franklin were alive, he might skip the events planned around town today for his 300th birthday.

Too much folderol for his taste, too much speechifying. Too much Franklin, Franklin, Franklin.

It would offend his sense of modesty, and while Franklin wasn’t humble (he knew he was smarter than most), he worked hard at being modest.

It was a virtue he cultivated, aware of its value in everyday life. To be a leader of men, he realized, it was best to be one of the guys: generous in praise, respectful of divergent opinions, quick to give credit to others, slow to take it himself.

In short, Franklin was a genius with a first-class disposition, a rare thing. His brainpower, his energy, and his high emotional IQ made him the de facto civic leader of Philadelphia, its go-to guy, while still in his 30s.

The story of the founding of Pennsylvania Hospital is one example of his uncanny ability to get things done.

It wasn’t Franklin’s idea. It was Dr. Thomas Bond, a London-trained physician, who wanted a hospital for the poor and indigent. As Bond pitched his idea around town, people invariably asked: Have you talked to Franklin?

Franklin embraced the plan. But how to raise the 4,000 pounds?

Franklin had an idea. (He always had an idea.) He had a citizen petition presented to the Colonial Assembly, asking it to create a hospital.

When – as he knew they would – rural legislators objected to such a large expenditure for Philadelphia, Franklin, a member of the Assembly, rose and asked it to put forward half the money – but only if the other 2,000 could be first raised privately. Assembly members agreed, thinking that the private appeal would fail but that they could collect political credits for their generosity.

Franklin then organized the fund-raising, the 2,000 pounds was raised, the Assembly put up the other 2,000 pounds, and America’s first hospital was erected at Eighth and Pine Streets, where it stands today.

Thus did Ben Franklin invent one of the mainstays of modern philanthropy: matching funds.

As Franklin wrote later: “I do not remember any of my political manoeuvres, the success of which gave me at the time more pleasure…”

The hospital was chartered in 1751, three years after Franklin retired to give time to civic and scientific pursuits.

To friends who asked why he would give up a lucrative printing business, Franklin explained that when he died, he would rather have people say that “he was useful” than “he was rich.”

Related: Dan Rubin: Happy Birthday, Blog Daddy. Indeed he was.

Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

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On Vietnam: (listen to the whole speech):

A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual death… America, the richest and most powerful nation in the world, can well lead the way in this revolution of values. There is nothing except a tragic death wish to prevent us from reordering our priorities so that the pursuit of peace will take precedence over the pursuit of war. There is nothing to keep us from molding a recalcitrant status quo with bruised hands until we have fashioned it into a brotherhood.

On political strategy/solidarity:(listen to the whole speech):

Now the other thing we’ll have to do is this: Always anchor our external direct action with the power of economic withdrawal. Now, we are poor people. Individually, we are poor when you compare us with white society in America. We are poor. Never stop and forget that collectively — that means all of us together — collectively we are richer than all the nations in the world, with the exception of nine. Did you ever think about that? After you leave the United States, Soviet Russia, Great Britain, West Germany, France, and I could name the others, the Negro collectively is richer than most nations of the world. We have an annual income of more than thirty billion dollars a year, which is more than all of the exports of the United States, and more than the national budget of Canada. Did you know that? That’s power right there, if we know how to pool it.

On Equality:(watch it):

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God’s children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

(via MFA)

Like an unchecked cancer, hate corrodes the personality and eats away its vital unity. Hate destroys a man’s sense of values and his objectivity. It causes him to describe the beautiful as ugly and the ugly as beautiful, and to confuse the true with the false and the false with the true.

(via Pax Romano)

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