I Fooled Myself

In the past, I fooled myself into thinking I could not miss what I did not have.

I grew up without a father.

Looking at many I grew up with, sometimes I thought I had it better. I had quite a few friends with dad issues that haunt them to this day.

But now, upon reflection, it feels like I’ve simultaneously lost a Mom and a Dad.

What a strange thing to write. I must be entering the so called ‘anger’ phase.

If only life were that sequential, I could expect the emotions to wash over me, to pass me by on my way towards ‘acceptance’.

But our lives aren’t really like that are they? They happen, in a cosmic kinda level, at something resembling all at once, and our minds attempt to give it order and structure, if there are such things, they are beyond our current understanding.

All I know is that Mom did exist, and she left a legacy in me, in her other sons. Her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

I’m rambling on my blog. Not like me at all. I’m trying to reach for something in writing I can’t quite get to yet. And my guitar is failing me on some level.

So good night folks.

6 thoughts on “I Fooled Myself

  1. Your guitar is scared – of what, I do not know. But I know that you can tell a story with your guitar and your voice. Stop being judgmental of yourself and just tell the story already…

    Interpretations are meant to be judged. that is music 101. Music is an attitude. So tell us what we should know.


  2. While my issues are not nearly as monumental as yours Karl, I know what you are trying to say.

    Trying to find answers to questions that have no answers is frustrating enough in and of itself. But when you try to turn to the things that have seemed to at least soothed your soul if not give an outlet, and they don’t seem to be helping, adds double the weight to the burden.

    I wish I could tell you something or give advice, but all I can say to you is while we are not quite in the same boat, we are in the same body of water. The comfort in that is that both you and I and others are not alone.

  3. All I can say is “Cop’s where were you?” 😉
    Don’t laugh I still have that on tape in my archives buddy!


    Seriously though, nothing will ever fill that void. Nothing will ever make losing those people that meant so much in your life make sense.

    Whether that is your mom or dad, best friends, teachers, or loves. We all exist on this earth to teach one another something. The thing you are trying to find inside yourself; be that music or writing, is there to be found.

    You have to stop trying to will it out of your guitar or keyboard/pen and just let it flow without thinking about it so hard. Start with a few lines and let the rest write itself. Remember how we used to write songs back on Broad Street and down in Frankford? We’d walk along the streets on a mission to get beer or food, or laundry and along the way we’d think of a catchy line and then toy around with it as we walked?

    Then we’d put guitar to it. Even if it sounded so stupid that years later you’d laugh at even having written it in the first place?

    Then think of the ones that did make sense years later when you look back on how a few lines and a couple of chords worked for a great song. That in itself makes up for all the crap we could ever write.

    Pressure doesn’t help you express that raw emotion. But you know this already. Do yourself a favor. Take an acoustic guitar and a pen and pad down to pennypack creek on the weekend and find a nice quiet spot to jam at. Sing out the most relevant song you’ve written. Sing it as loud as you can and let that emotion cut deep. I think you’ll find what you’re looking for then.

    Good luck.


    – Steve

  4. Thanks folks.

    Thanks for the musical advice as well. You folks are right – I need to snap out of it and get to that place where there is nothing that I think sounds stupid/silly/contrived – and just let it go.

  5. Sorry to read about your loss. Your way of expressing your feelings is moving.
    I spent thanksgiving inwardly pouting about having to be the head cook without my mom. Then left all of the food in my sister’s fridge, so no turkey sammies either.
    Cool that you have your guitar to lean on. And your happy memories.

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